How To Relieve Boredom pt.1
by Well 'ard Alex


Scenario: It's Friday, you've finished work for the week, you're 
skint and you want something to do to fill in the time over the 
weekend. Here at Grapevine, we like to offer USEFUL but highly 
original tips. Zildjian being the slave driving bully he is insisted 
on something interesting [Sorry Zild, I didn't tell him you were a 
bad guy, you must just have that aura around you! - zYX!]. 
[Nuff said. Ha! Ha! - DaZZaBoY]

So I spent a few hours (read: minutes) pondering over what to 
write about. Hmm, coding tutorial? Nah, boring. EVERY mag does 
that. Music tutorial? Hmm, nope, I'm tone deaf so that's no 
good either. But a "How To" of some sort that no other mag 
has featured is what the slave driv... Err, nice ed wants. 
Whatever I write about I have to do it this weekend, I've 
only got 55 hours to complete my write up. Hmm.

Lightbulb!


Friday 7.10pm
How about for this weekend I change sex? Ah Haa! Since I've 
just finished work I could make the switch from male to female, 
document how to do it yourself, then be all done and back to 
work by Monday. Greeeaaat, it's original isn't it?

It's Friday night right now so I'd best get Googling on how to 
go about this. Right, it says here I need hormones, clothes, 
long hair preferable and lots of body hair removed. It's showing 
a list of places I can illegally import hormones into the country. 
Ah well, in for a penny in for a pound eh?

Hmm, whats this... "Caution, taking Hormone Replacement Therapy 
may result in kidney/liver damage and then death". Ah well who 
cares, it's for the mag and I'll get paid double wage for this 
(5). Damn! Just checked, the hormones will take at least seven 
days to arrive from New Zealand. Screw that then. I'll have to 
break into the local pharmacy and just grab a few boxes, otherwise 
I won't have time to complete the article for Monday.


Friday 8.05pm
Waheeey for dark British winter nights. Grabbed twenty boxes of 
HRT from local pharmacy. It was a total stroke of luck to find a 
brick near the window, so I just chucked it through. Job done!


Friday 8.26pm
Right, I'm pretty fucking revved up now! Got my tabs and I've just 
found the Littlewoods online store which has loads of womens clothes 
and... Get this! A next day (including Saturday!) delivery service. 
Awesome! Hell, some of this stuff is expensive, this calls for the 
"GVcreditcardhacker Pro v-1.1". Ahah, 2,000 instantly available on 
some poor American doods credit card. Ah well, I'm sure he would 
understand, it's all for the mag!


Friday 9.32pm
Right that's my clothes ordered. This'll be great fun getting beaten
up in town wearing women's clothes, totally can't wait. According 
to this tranny site I found from Google, you can have surgery and 
shit to make ya look more female. That'd be cool, I could have it 
done on Sunday, then get rid for Monday when I go back to work.


Friday 10.00pm
Hmm, it says on this website that hormones take over six months to 
start working. That's fucking shite. But, as always, being a highly
 resourceful writer (and burglar) I have an idea. If I break into 
the local B&Q they have Miracle Grow. If I just down a bottle of 
that it should speed things up no end. 'Int technology feckin marvellous!


Friday 11.58 midnight
Cripes! Broke into the local B&Q but the police turned up after a 
few minutes. I managed to dive out the store with my Miracle Grow 
but there was an hour long police chase. Unfortunately they couldn't
keep up with my 925cc Fiat Panda. Luck was on my side though! As we 
were driving down at a horrendous 21mph they spotted some kids smoking 
dope, so stopped to arrest them instead. Thank fuck for the shite 
British police. Hurrah for Britain. Anyway I sped off down the 
road, almost reaching 25mph. They had no chance of catching me.


Saturday 00.15am
I am fucking knackered after all that. At least I've got my HRT and 
Miracle Grow sorted out now. I'm just going to scoff down two boxes 
worth of HRT and half a bottle of Miracle Grow. Then I'm off to bed, 
because tomorrow. I'LL HAVE TITS! Waheeyyy!


Watch out in the next Grapevine, when I go out on the streets with my 
authentic wig! I'll be going to the local pub to chat with the lads 
and then off to the footy match.

Continues in the next Grapevine.....

By Well 'ard Alex. Soon to be Alexandra for the weekend. Woo!